Christmas 2010

Today was so eventful.
Lets go back few days;
It was about 6 pm on a rainy day. I began to think about things that have changed in my life. First thought; friendship. I began to cry like a baby. I have only three high school friends left, & it hasn't been a year since I graduated. I seem very put together & like nothing bothers me, but there's another side to me; one that never stops thinking. I feel like a very different person. I don't feel comfortable in society, whether I'm alone or surrounded by people. I feel like being alone is perfection, I never wanted to talk about this before because I don't want people to see me differently. There's more to me feeling this way but I'm not ready to go into detail.

I wrote this piece: The more she heard it, the more it encouraged her, inspired her. Freedom, actual freedom; it seemed so impossible for a girl her age, but the more she considered it, the more realistic the dream became. Nobody to worry about, nobody to argue with, nobody to have to rely on, nobody. To some, the idea might seem antisocial, but to her, it was perfection. All of her friends were piecing away, slowly but goddamn surely. Was it her attitude? Personality? After knowing every single friend for more than a year, she thought that by now, they had accepted her; she was obviously wrong. As the rain showered the city, she lit another cigarette & went into deep thought. After about a minute of having a completely empty mind, she realized that she just wasn't meant to be around people at all. She was meant to be one with nature. She wasn't made for technology, for socializing, for having responsibilities, she was made for solitude. She dreamt so much, even in the daytime of leaving the city. Whether it was for a short while or permanent. She wanted to leave all her insignificant things behind, spend every last penny on sketchbooks and pencils, and never look back. There was nothing left stopping her. She had nobody to stick around for, nobody to answer to, and most importantly, nothing stopped her. She took a minute to think, and after giving it as much thought as she could, she said to herself, "nature, peace, relaxation, independence, new experiences, wild animals..." the list was bottomless. She gave another minute to think about all the negatives, and she didn't come up with anything. What really stopped her from leaving? What was keeping her there all this time? She decided, this would be her last week in the city. She closed her eyes, and like a dream, her vision came together. Her ears were filled with songs of wild birds, and the gushing waterfalls. The air smelled so fresh, it was so realistic, the sun was shining so brightly, it was unbearable. That was it. That was her perfection. As far as the eye could see, nothing but hills, grassy mountains, trees towering over bright, colorful flowers.

I sent a message to the band that inspired this, & I told them about events that have happened in my life to encourage my thoughts, & I told them that their music has made me look at the positive side of everything. I even created a new Myspace account just so I could message them. I didn't expect a response, but a few days later, there was the request. My heart sank, I couldn't believe it. I talked to the singer Karla & I couldn't catch my breath, it was amazing. She told me that my message moved her & that she appreciated it & it encouraged her. My life is complete, I can die peacefully now.

Ramble On

Some people are really ignorant. Its gotten to the point that I don't want to deal with them. It's nothing but negative vibes from them making it harder for me to control my anger. I want whats best for me & that's to stay away from people who anger me so much & so constantly. Now the rest is up to me, in a way. There's so much ignorance in the world that its pointless to even try to show them my point of view on things. Some people think that they're much better than others for insignificant reasons that don't even matter; they're microscopic. Nobody should have to deal with people who're full of themselves, that's just a big headache, building up to make your head blow up. I'm starting to not want to deal with anyone or anything because I just don't want the drama. So if people consider me to be living in a turtle shell, its because I'm sick of the same bullshit issues that come up over & over again. I feel like I can't voice my opinions because it'll end friendships. Some friendships, I can honestly say, I treasure more than others.