Possibilities

Today my ex started talking to an old friend of his (who so happens to be a girl, haha) & at first I didn't know what to feel, I started getting anxious cause right away I started to think, "fuck, I wont have any more plans". But then I calmed down & thought positively for a second. We spend all the time in the world together, but maybe it's time we both just looked for other people. I don't give the thought of us being back together a chance anymore because of personal reasons, but I think it's time we both found other people. I'm in no rush at all, I've got all the time in the world to meet someone, but he on the other hand, feels the need to have someone there with him. Although I don't understand it, I don't blame him. If he ends up with someone before I do, it would give me so much time to do other things. Rekindle my friendships with other friends, go out & meet new faces, do something different, open my mind, spend more time with family, fuck, spend more time with myself. I can't say for sure that this girl is the one for him, only time will tell, but even if it isn't, I'll hang around til she's here for him. :) I really hope that this Spring I meet someone new, because even though I don't have any expectations for a certain person, I'm excited to just have someone new to discuss things with.

Revelations Are The Best

Today I spent the early hours of the day with my friend Brandin because we went to the sales at the mall. We were talking about his past relationship (before we were together) & I've been taking mental notes based off of both his past & the past he & I have had. I've learned to never be the doormat in the relationship, & if either I or the person I'm with become one, I have to cut it. That isn't right at all & it's definitely not healthy. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship in my personal eyes & I think that if I ever found one, I'd be very skeptical. Love isn't on the top of my list, & sure it'd be nice to have, but I have other things to work on myself. I have a future to plan out, school wise. I have situations to handle with friends. I have family issues, for sure. I welcome anyone who wants to sweep me off my feet, of course, but I'm not very interested in the concept of a relationship too much nowadays. I'm not up for the drama, the pain, the deception, the problems, the ... anything, to be honest. Sure, it's nice to be single, but then again, it's nice to have someone to ask how you are on a day to day basis. I refuse to see my future love interest on a daily basis. That just leads to me giving up whatever freedom I have to do anything. I don't want to mix him with my friends too soon, & I want to at least have a casual friendship for at least 3 months. These may seem like regulations to you but it's very reasonable to me. I'm putting myself out there by going out. I don't go to as many places as I can, of course, but as I said before, I'm in no rush. I'm young & I have nothing more than time on my hands. Its not even a matter of meeting someone with my same interests, it's a matter of connecting & hitting it off just right. I've met a guy with my exact same perspectives, hobbies, and music interests, but there was no attraction because my mind was just not looking for anyone. I'm not sure when that'll change, if any time soon or at all, but I know things are going to change & each day is just bringing me one day closer.

The "Adult" Life

Well it's been a few days since my birthday & I don't really feel much different. I can officially get a tattoo if I want & buy as many packs of cigarettes as I please, but not much else has changed. I spent my birthday at the Science Center & the Natural History Museum, it was really fun & extremely tiring. I saw a 36 foot long Oarfish, sharks, slugs, gross roaches, little insects, and BONES! The Woolly Mammoth was my favorite of all, I regret not having taken pictures. Then came the TAXIDERMY! They had barn owls, Northern Saw Whet Owls, Grey Gray Owls, Burrowing Owls, a Snow Owl, a Great Horned Owl & they had some baby ones, I'm not sure what they were. After that, Brandin & I went over to our friends house, saw a movie, & later that night went to the dollar theater to see Inception. I fell asleep because it was so late, but he seemed to enjoy it. I told all my family that I got the tattoo. My mom didn't have as bad a reaction as I imagined, she just wishes it wasn't so visible. I haven't shown the Zeppelin one though, I will when it's finished. My older sister rambled on about how I won't be professional, yada yada...whatever, it's not like I want a job like hers. In other news, a friend of mine & myself got floor seat tickets to see Crystal Castles March third in Pomona! If my family opens the tickets before I get to...there's going to be a bloodbath. I told them all not to touch anything that came in the mail for me in the next 2 weeks. I'm excited, this is my first concert! That's pretty much all for now :)


- Jess

Friday 19 November 2010

In one more hour, I turn eighteen, finally. I got my tattoos a little early because tomorrow is bound to be a full day. At first, today wasn't good at all, but shaking things off helped me a lot. I decided that I'm not going to let things get to me & make me cry, I'm just going to incorporate them into my book. I had to ask Brandin if it was okay if I used him in my book. I have class tomorrow but depending on how long Brandin stays, I'll stay too, we're going to the Science Center & I couldn't be more excited! After that, we're having a movie day at the Angelos, which I've been waiting for, for sooo long! I can't say I'm too excited to turn eighteen, but I'll get more liberty. I hope my mom isn't too disappointed in me when she sees the tattoos. In other news, I registered for my classes today, huzzah! Today was pretty full of chaos, too, but it was really fun & so worth it. OH, the tattoos didn't hurt too bad, nothing to cry over at all, I can't wait til I finish my Zoso tattoo, I'm actually thinking of adding a scroll to it.

Perfect Start To My Birthday

I've heard mean things before & I've learned to shrug them off like they don't affect me, but this one takes the cake. To hear something that bad from a person I care about really made me feel like shit because I feel so hopeless. How can I surround myself with people who apparently think negatively of me? I thought that there was a select few people I can trust who won't hurt me at all, but I guess I don't have that person anymore. A lot of things are already going wrong before my birthday, & I get no sympathy whatsoever. I was hoping today was a great day all the way through because of my tattoos later, but it just took a turn for the worst before I've even had breakfast. Why don't people just watch what they say & keep opinions to themselves? I understand that my anger gets the best of me sometimes but its discouraging to hear things like I did today, it really depresses me & the person doing it doesn't even realize it, because I'm being "too sensitive". I really don't know what to do. I feel as though I have nobody to rely on anymore & it really hurts. All I need is one good day.

Thursday 18 November 2010

Finally I get some alone time, after a busy filled week of getting about an hour to myself before AVGN. I'm laying in bed, listening to Zeppelin, with Rambo & just relaxing on the computer & I couldn't ask for anything better, except maybe a Green Tea. Today was pretty fun but very tiring. I got my first pack of cigarettes because I just couldn't wait two more days, being so impatient, haha. I smoked two & I felt horrible afterward because I had a cold soda, not a good combination. I was mad in the morning because I'm honestly tired of being passive aggressive. People give me their opinions about what to do about my personal affairs & I'm not digging it one goddamn bit. It don't phase me, I'm just gunna do what I want because that's what'll make me happy in the end, anyway. My birthday is just around the corner, & I can't say I'm excited. I'm going to the Science Center & the Natural History Museum, too, it should be really fun! I get my tattoos tomorrow, & I'm so excited for them, I really want to tape it in case I cry, haha. I feel bad showing them to my mom because I know she'll be disappointed, but I gave her a warning. For such a long day, I'm going to cut it short, I really want to read my Nylon magazine.

Get Over Youself

I get that insecurity is an ugly thing, especially when there's a lot of distance between you & the person you love, but to be completely honest, there's such a way to handle certain situations in a humble way. First off, you need to know who you're dealing with. Secondly, don't assume shit that you don't know, don't go based off things you've heard or what you think. Thirdly, don't try to make yourself look better by making things up to tear people away from each other. FOURTHLY, handle your problems with someone with the person you're having an issue with. I'm glad that you're smart enough to make up a good plan to end like what, 4 friendships, but I"m even happier that it came back & bit you in the ass. I'm sure you're "great" person, so have fun having about ... one person waiting for you with a smile back in California. You're old enough to know what you're doing, which sucks for you cause you threw your closest friends under the bus & left them there with no help. When you should've been the one confronted, someone else was, & that's not fair. Hope karma is good to you.

Seriously ?.

I'm getting tired of people meddling in my business. I get that people want to be "updated" in my life, but to be honest, too many people are interested, if you catch my drift. First, I got this girl thinking I want her EX, which even if I DID, its none of her business to care, its MY shit, not hers. Completely unrelated. Second, if my best interest isn't at heart, why ask what I'm going to do about a guy flirting with me? What does it affect anyone's life at all? Its MY business, its my choice, my decision, end of fucking story.

Wednesday 17 November 2010

It's getting close to my birthday now, but I still don't feel any older whatsoever. I'm just going to do whatever I did before legally, haha. Today was a really good day given that a few friends of mine & I had some major drama. Its too long to tell it all, but just know it was bad. There were indeed tears :| The extent people go to to do bad things these days. Back to today, I went to school, & actually found Brandin's lost phone, miraculously haha. Then we got food & afterwards went to visit Jessica, Jordan & Aiden, then went to go get Jess' turkey, she's probly groping it right now, haha! OH, I decided to write a book. I've been meaning to write a book but never got the right topic to write about. As conceited as it may sound, I'm writing it on myself; about my thoughts, beliefs, past, hopeful future, and things like that. It'll be in third person, & the time will basically be now, my age & hopefully when I'm older, it'll remind me who I was back when I was "naive", so to speak, haha. More details when I develop more thoughts on it :]