Friday April 10 2010

I was really dreading today, haha. None of my friends were able to make time today; they were all bizaaaay. I'm pretty happy with my plugs. :] I want bigger ones already. -_- Right now I'm eating Cup O Noodles and drinking Squirt, yeah its late, I know it & I don't care. :] I got my guitar back so I'm gunna practice when I have free time, it brought back soo many memories of me & Brenda drooling over Roger in class freshman year. ;D So far, I have down Chasing Cars, PAT, & I'm working on About A Girl, I'm gunna play it for Jordanitis cause he's the only other Nirvana fan I know of hahaa. I tried looking for Bob Dylan ones but they're all too fucking hard for my small brain. :/ I had In N Out for the first time today, & it was heavenly, but the fries got too cold tooo fast. :[ I got home at about 8, I went straight to my guitar again hah. Then I saw AFV was on & bid my guitar farewell for an hour or two. I wasnt really into AFV today so I came back to the guitar, and have been working on it since. :] I hope it doesnt untune, I'll be heartbroken haha. AIDENS SICK! :( Its times like these that make me want a car, I really wanted to go see his goochy ass, but its late & I have no way to get there. Fortunately, Brandinitis untied his ship from the dock in time to go see Aiden & its just a minor ear infection, so huzzah. :] Theres pretty much nothing else to say aha, goodnight. :]]

Thursday April 29 2010

Today was so boring! I went to school, on my way there my mom called twice cause she received a letter saying I'm not graduating, yada yada. I didn't pay attention, I know Ms. Mora is full of shit, so I didn't care. Haha, I was shocked that this whore of a girl called my friend a hoodrat, haha, I like shitted my pants basically. :] I was just talking to a friend during 2nd about not going to prom, & some other girl I don't like started talking to me so I faked an interest in her love life. This guy was looking through my iPod and the whole time I heard him talk shit about the music I had & how he's heard better. FUCK YOU! >:[ God, some people, huh? Mmm, a friend of mine has been getting on my nerves lately. WAIT, ALL of my friends have been. There's no change in the daily routine we call life anymore. They all just go home right after school, so there's nothing to do but go home too. What angers me the most is that when a friend broke up with her boyfriend, she was about to slit my throat because I ditched her for Brandin, yet she can do that now that shes back with her boyfriend because heaven forbid the little man gets angry & throws a bitch fit? Eh, I sound a lot madder than I really am. I just get annoyed too easily nowadays, my limit for bullshit is lower than ever. I really can't wait to graduate. I have more fun with Jess & Jordan than with my friends haha. :] I want Marios soo bad, but I'm broke as fuck. :[ Saturday we're supposed to go to the movies, but I want to go see the movie "The Ocean" tomorrrow SO bad! I want an octopus, haha, & a seahorse. Well now I'm at home bored out of my mind, being yelled at by an angry litttle mexican lady. She won't shut up, will she? -_- I hate this feeling of depression I get. None of my friends have time for me when I need them anymore. They all have their own shit to get done whenever I'm in need of something to get my mind off things, & that just leaves me feeling shitty. Nothing to fucking do on a friday night just makes me not want to leave school. I want to stay there as long as I can so I won't end up going home as soon as I can. I seriously hate being home, its a hell for me. Til I graduate and have my car, I'm stuck here. When I do get a car, Idgaf if im alone, im off to the drive in or something. We'll see who has time for who.

Wednesday April 28 2010

Today was an alright day. School was alright, too. Nothing really weird or exciting happens anymore. 34 days left, 33 in like 2 hours :] I can't say I'm excited, I'm just anxious to leave Pioneer & start j.c already. I want my car. :[ I had a meeting today with the vice principal cause I got into an argument with the cafeteria lady & I'm banned from getting food. ;) oh wellzzz. I went to go eat with the nigguh Brandin at BK, I spent the last of my money there. :[ Then we went to the Angelos household haha and waited for Jordan to get there so we can go to the Baskin Robbins 31 cent ice cream sale haha. then we left after. I came home and attempted to dye my hair. fail, im guessing haha.

Don't you hate when you can't help but worry about a friend no matter how much they ask you not to? There's just this feeling that you want to be outside their room with a baseball bat attacking anyone with bad news or disappointment coming their way, but sooner or later we have to let go of that feeling because we end up living our lifes through them, which is clearly not good. When does the line between being there cross the line of being the only support they have? I for one love to carry someone else's weight because theres no greater feeling. I guess I'm just nurturing in that way. I can put my feelings aside for something bigger, & to me thats kinda commendable.

Tuesday April 27, 2010

Well this morning I woke up at 6. My alarm is Misty Mountain Hop, haha. I decided to just get up and throw anything on today. I just re applied my make up and walked out the door. I realized that I hadn't eaten anything at all yesterday except at like 1, I just don't feel like eating. When I do eat, its forced cause I don't want my friends to worry. :/ Schools boring now, I hate that I have nothing to do, nobody to talk to or see, its really depressing. I like to be alone, don't get me wrong, but if I'm alone when I don't want to be, I just break down & cry. A lot of things have been happening that make me wonder how good of a person I am. Now more than I ever I'm starting to question my own value. I know its wrong, yada yada, but there's nobody to prove me different. Mr. Usigi called me maple syrup today cause once I ate oatmeal for breakfast & it smelled like I bathed in it syrup, HA! Fourth was alright, nothing big. After class, I left straight to my house so I could get cream developer because a friend was going to bleach my hair. Thats right, my hair is back to light now, y'all. I would've filled this blog with happy faces by now but I'm really not in the mood. I'm happy, but I just feel emotionally drained. My mood isn't very stable, I come off as bitchy or sad, but I'm just going through a lot, I'm hurt. Depending on the song I'm playing, I'll be happy, or I'll be sad. Well, not happy exactly, but I'll be, hanging in there, you know? I just heard the song "I Will" by The Beatles, & that song is just exactly what I feel towards someone right now, I started to cry because it feels as if I wrote it myself, its amazing, I'm crying again out of just love for this fucking song. It expresses more than anything I've even thought of saying to this person. I'm thankful for this song. <3 I definitely recommend it to anyone who has a heart. I went to my friends house, we did the bottom of my hair, & now I'm waiting for my mom to get home with another packet of bleach for the top half. I ate Taco Bell, but it feels like I had to force eat it cause I feel like vomiting it. :( Everyone's been telling me that I've been losing weight, haha, so I guess I shouldn't be eating at all anymore so I can keep it off. :O Well for now, that's all. Oh, my legs are killing me; I walked to Pico & back to Whittier within an hour & a half. :/


I just couldn't bear to hear those words that were spoken on the phone. Those 5 little words really did strike me through the heart, more than I thought. It just makes me think about the whole thing again, and it makes me sad. In the end I have to remember about what the outcome will be. I've never confessed anything that I've lied about to anyone, today was the first time. I couldn't stop myself from shaking, it was really scary because it sort of turned into a twitch. The stupid things we do sometimes.

Monday April 26 2010

Today was alright, I went to school early to meet up with Mallory so we can talk. She gave me pretty good advice, but nothing I haven't heard before & nothing I know won't happen already. I went on a field trip to UCLA & Benihanas. I didn't eat this morning because I just couldn't bring myself to. (you've read my blog -_-) I felt like a dumbass the whole hour and a half trip there because everyone saw me crying. I smeared my makeup too. ]: Anyways, I didn't really talk much, I just played music really loud so I can just drown out my own thoughts. My ears were practically bleeding by the time we got there, hah. I was alright when we got there, talking to Sal distracted me bunches. Then we saw that we had to climb over a hill, yes, a hill. I almost died, hah. Tig & I couldn't stop complaining about how hungry we were. I was ready to pounce on Benihanas, even if I'd never had it before. :] Like at around 12, we got on the bus again to LA (Benihanas). On the way there, I started crying again because I just got text messages that didn't please me. What can I say, I break down too fucking much. The thing with me is that I lose sight of things easily. When it comes to other things non emotionally related, I put others above myself. When it comes to emotions, I think of myself & its just ... hard to deal with it. In my situation, its a bad habit to have, too. By the time I left Benihanas I had a pretty clear mindset. I know what I have to do & until some people see what they need, I have to focus on myself. I only have 6 weeks of high school left & the thing I should be less focused on is what I'm concerned about. No more of that. I know in my heart what's going to happen, its almost safe to say I don't expect anything less than that. For now, I'll just live my life day by day; no worries, no tears. I'm only 17 & I carry the weight of too many people. After Benihanas, we came back to school, at like 3, hah. Then I saw Jasmine, she was going to Music Rev & I was going to Susies & Fashion Q, so we just went together. We spent the whole time just catching up on shit since we don't talk as often. Then Jessica texted me to go over, so I did, & I saw Aiden. :D At like 7 I had to go home cause my mom started calling me. I was on my way to Walmart, though so that trip was cancelled. It was so fresh out, too :[ So tomorrow I'm gunna make a transformation. (well I hope this time, my change actually works, hah ^-^) That's pretty much my whole day, I'm just laying on my bed with my computer, playing Pink Floyd. Until tomorrow, I fare thee well. :]