Christmas 2010

Today was so eventful.
Lets go back few days;
It was about 6 pm on a rainy day. I began to think about things that have changed in my life. First thought; friendship. I began to cry like a baby. I have only three high school friends left, & it hasn't been a year since I graduated. I seem very put together & like nothing bothers me, but there's another side to me; one that never stops thinking. I feel like a very different person. I don't feel comfortable in society, whether I'm alone or surrounded by people. I feel like being alone is perfection, I never wanted to talk about this before because I don't want people to see me differently. There's more to me feeling this way but I'm not ready to go into detail.

I wrote this piece: The more she heard it, the more it encouraged her, inspired her. Freedom, actual freedom; it seemed so impossible for a girl her age, but the more she considered it, the more realistic the dream became. Nobody to worry about, nobody to argue with, nobody to have to rely on, nobody. To some, the idea might seem antisocial, but to her, it was perfection. All of her friends were piecing away, slowly but goddamn surely. Was it her attitude? Personality? After knowing every single friend for more than a year, she thought that by now, they had accepted her; she was obviously wrong. As the rain showered the city, she lit another cigarette & went into deep thought. After about a minute of having a completely empty mind, she realized that she just wasn't meant to be around people at all. She was meant to be one with nature. She wasn't made for technology, for socializing, for having responsibilities, she was made for solitude. She dreamt so much, even in the daytime of leaving the city. Whether it was for a short while or permanent. She wanted to leave all her insignificant things behind, spend every last penny on sketchbooks and pencils, and never look back. There was nothing left stopping her. She had nobody to stick around for, nobody to answer to, and most importantly, nothing stopped her. She took a minute to think, and after giving it as much thought as she could, she said to herself, "nature, peace, relaxation, independence, new experiences, wild animals..." the list was bottomless. She gave another minute to think about all the negatives, and she didn't come up with anything. What really stopped her from leaving? What was keeping her there all this time? She decided, this would be her last week in the city. She closed her eyes, and like a dream, her vision came together. Her ears were filled with songs of wild birds, and the gushing waterfalls. The air smelled so fresh, it was so realistic, the sun was shining so brightly, it was unbearable. That was it. That was her perfection. As far as the eye could see, nothing but hills, grassy mountains, trees towering over bright, colorful flowers.

I sent a message to the band that inspired this, & I told them about events that have happened in my life to encourage my thoughts, & I told them that their music has made me look at the positive side of everything. I even created a new Myspace account just so I could message them. I didn't expect a response, but a few days later, there was the request. My heart sank, I couldn't believe it. I talked to the singer Karla & I couldn't catch my breath, it was amazing. She told me that my message moved her & that she appreciated it & it encouraged her. My life is complete, I can die peacefully now.

Ramble On

Some people are really ignorant. Its gotten to the point that I don't want to deal with them. It's nothing but negative vibes from them making it harder for me to control my anger. I want whats best for me & that's to stay away from people who anger me so much & so constantly. Now the rest is up to me, in a way. There's so much ignorance in the world that its pointless to even try to show them my point of view on things. Some people think that they're much better than others for insignificant reasons that don't even matter; they're microscopic. Nobody should have to deal with people who're full of themselves, that's just a big headache, building up to make your head blow up. I'm starting to not want to deal with anyone or anything because I just don't want the drama. So if people consider me to be living in a turtle shell, its because I'm sick of the same bullshit issues that come up over & over again. I feel like I can't voice my opinions because it'll end friendships. Some friendships, I can honestly say, I treasure more than others.

Possibilities

Today my ex started talking to an old friend of his (who so happens to be a girl, haha) & at first I didn't know what to feel, I started getting anxious cause right away I started to think, "fuck, I wont have any more plans". But then I calmed down & thought positively for a second. We spend all the time in the world together, but maybe it's time we both just looked for other people. I don't give the thought of us being back together a chance anymore because of personal reasons, but I think it's time we both found other people. I'm in no rush at all, I've got all the time in the world to meet someone, but he on the other hand, feels the need to have someone there with him. Although I don't understand it, I don't blame him. If he ends up with someone before I do, it would give me so much time to do other things. Rekindle my friendships with other friends, go out & meet new faces, do something different, open my mind, spend more time with family, fuck, spend more time with myself. I can't say for sure that this girl is the one for him, only time will tell, but even if it isn't, I'll hang around til she's here for him. :) I really hope that this Spring I meet someone new, because even though I don't have any expectations for a certain person, I'm excited to just have someone new to discuss things with.

Revelations Are The Best

Today I spent the early hours of the day with my friend Brandin because we went to the sales at the mall. We were talking about his past relationship (before we were together) & I've been taking mental notes based off of both his past & the past he & I have had. I've learned to never be the doormat in the relationship, & if either I or the person I'm with become one, I have to cut it. That isn't right at all & it's definitely not healthy. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship in my personal eyes & I think that if I ever found one, I'd be very skeptical. Love isn't on the top of my list, & sure it'd be nice to have, but I have other things to work on myself. I have a future to plan out, school wise. I have situations to handle with friends. I have family issues, for sure. I welcome anyone who wants to sweep me off my feet, of course, but I'm not very interested in the concept of a relationship too much nowadays. I'm not up for the drama, the pain, the deception, the problems, the ... anything, to be honest. Sure, it's nice to be single, but then again, it's nice to have someone to ask how you are on a day to day basis. I refuse to see my future love interest on a daily basis. That just leads to me giving up whatever freedom I have to do anything. I don't want to mix him with my friends too soon, & I want to at least have a casual friendship for at least 3 months. These may seem like regulations to you but it's very reasonable to me. I'm putting myself out there by going out. I don't go to as many places as I can, of course, but as I said before, I'm in no rush. I'm young & I have nothing more than time on my hands. Its not even a matter of meeting someone with my same interests, it's a matter of connecting & hitting it off just right. I've met a guy with my exact same perspectives, hobbies, and music interests, but there was no attraction because my mind was just not looking for anyone. I'm not sure when that'll change, if any time soon or at all, but I know things are going to change & each day is just bringing me one day closer.

The "Adult" Life

Well it's been a few days since my birthday & I don't really feel much different. I can officially get a tattoo if I want & buy as many packs of cigarettes as I please, but not much else has changed. I spent my birthday at the Science Center & the Natural History Museum, it was really fun & extremely tiring. I saw a 36 foot long Oarfish, sharks, slugs, gross roaches, little insects, and BONES! The Woolly Mammoth was my favorite of all, I regret not having taken pictures. Then came the TAXIDERMY! They had barn owls, Northern Saw Whet Owls, Grey Gray Owls, Burrowing Owls, a Snow Owl, a Great Horned Owl & they had some baby ones, I'm not sure what they were. After that, Brandin & I went over to our friends house, saw a movie, & later that night went to the dollar theater to see Inception. I fell asleep because it was so late, but he seemed to enjoy it. I told all my family that I got the tattoo. My mom didn't have as bad a reaction as I imagined, she just wishes it wasn't so visible. I haven't shown the Zeppelin one though, I will when it's finished. My older sister rambled on about how I won't be professional, yada yada...whatever, it's not like I want a job like hers. In other news, a friend of mine & myself got floor seat tickets to see Crystal Castles March third in Pomona! If my family opens the tickets before I get to...there's going to be a bloodbath. I told them all not to touch anything that came in the mail for me in the next 2 weeks. I'm excited, this is my first concert! That's pretty much all for now :)


- Jess

Friday 19 November 2010

In one more hour, I turn eighteen, finally. I got my tattoos a little early because tomorrow is bound to be a full day. At first, today wasn't good at all, but shaking things off helped me a lot. I decided that I'm not going to let things get to me & make me cry, I'm just going to incorporate them into my book. I had to ask Brandin if it was okay if I used him in my book. I have class tomorrow but depending on how long Brandin stays, I'll stay too, we're going to the Science Center & I couldn't be more excited! After that, we're having a movie day at the Angelos, which I've been waiting for, for sooo long! I can't say I'm too excited to turn eighteen, but I'll get more liberty. I hope my mom isn't too disappointed in me when she sees the tattoos. In other news, I registered for my classes today, huzzah! Today was pretty full of chaos, too, but it was really fun & so worth it. OH, the tattoos didn't hurt too bad, nothing to cry over at all, I can't wait til I finish my Zoso tattoo, I'm actually thinking of adding a scroll to it.

Perfect Start To My Birthday

I've heard mean things before & I've learned to shrug them off like they don't affect me, but this one takes the cake. To hear something that bad from a person I care about really made me feel like shit because I feel so hopeless. How can I surround myself with people who apparently think negatively of me? I thought that there was a select few people I can trust who won't hurt me at all, but I guess I don't have that person anymore. A lot of things are already going wrong before my birthday, & I get no sympathy whatsoever. I was hoping today was a great day all the way through because of my tattoos later, but it just took a turn for the worst before I've even had breakfast. Why don't people just watch what they say & keep opinions to themselves? I understand that my anger gets the best of me sometimes but its discouraging to hear things like I did today, it really depresses me & the person doing it doesn't even realize it, because I'm being "too sensitive". I really don't know what to do. I feel as though I have nobody to rely on anymore & it really hurts. All I need is one good day.

Thursday 18 November 2010

Finally I get some alone time, after a busy filled week of getting about an hour to myself before AVGN. I'm laying in bed, listening to Zeppelin, with Rambo & just relaxing on the computer & I couldn't ask for anything better, except maybe a Green Tea. Today was pretty fun but very tiring. I got my first pack of cigarettes because I just couldn't wait two more days, being so impatient, haha. I smoked two & I felt horrible afterward because I had a cold soda, not a good combination. I was mad in the morning because I'm honestly tired of being passive aggressive. People give me their opinions about what to do about my personal affairs & I'm not digging it one goddamn bit. It don't phase me, I'm just gunna do what I want because that's what'll make me happy in the end, anyway. My birthday is just around the corner, & I can't say I'm excited. I'm going to the Science Center & the Natural History Museum, too, it should be really fun! I get my tattoos tomorrow, & I'm so excited for them, I really want to tape it in case I cry, haha. I feel bad showing them to my mom because I know she'll be disappointed, but I gave her a warning. For such a long day, I'm going to cut it short, I really want to read my Nylon magazine.

Get Over Youself

I get that insecurity is an ugly thing, especially when there's a lot of distance between you & the person you love, but to be completely honest, there's such a way to handle certain situations in a humble way. First off, you need to know who you're dealing with. Secondly, don't assume shit that you don't know, don't go based off things you've heard or what you think. Thirdly, don't try to make yourself look better by making things up to tear people away from each other. FOURTHLY, handle your problems with someone with the person you're having an issue with. I'm glad that you're smart enough to make up a good plan to end like what, 4 friendships, but I"m even happier that it came back & bit you in the ass. I'm sure you're "great" person, so have fun having about ... one person waiting for you with a smile back in California. You're old enough to know what you're doing, which sucks for you cause you threw your closest friends under the bus & left them there with no help. When you should've been the one confronted, someone else was, & that's not fair. Hope karma is good to you.

Seriously ?.

I'm getting tired of people meddling in my business. I get that people want to be "updated" in my life, but to be honest, too many people are interested, if you catch my drift. First, I got this girl thinking I want her EX, which even if I DID, its none of her business to care, its MY shit, not hers. Completely unrelated. Second, if my best interest isn't at heart, why ask what I'm going to do about a guy flirting with me? What does it affect anyone's life at all? Its MY business, its my choice, my decision, end of fucking story.

Wednesday 17 November 2010

It's getting close to my birthday now, but I still don't feel any older whatsoever. I'm just going to do whatever I did before legally, haha. Today was a really good day given that a few friends of mine & I had some major drama. Its too long to tell it all, but just know it was bad. There were indeed tears :| The extent people go to to do bad things these days. Back to today, I went to school, & actually found Brandin's lost phone, miraculously haha. Then we got food & afterwards went to visit Jessica, Jordan & Aiden, then went to go get Jess' turkey, she's probly groping it right now, haha! OH, I decided to write a book. I've been meaning to write a book but never got the right topic to write about. As conceited as it may sound, I'm writing it on myself; about my thoughts, beliefs, past, hopeful future, and things like that. It'll be in third person, & the time will basically be now, my age & hopefully when I'm older, it'll remind me who I was back when I was "naive", so to speak, haha. More details when I develop more thoughts on it :]

Monday 5 July 2010 O:

Dang, I haven't blogged in a while!
Well since I last did, I graduated. (:
Summers going better than I expected, especially right now.
I got a new pup today. (:
His names Rambo, & he's my little sack of poop, cause he's black. (:
My dad was doing really bad, he was bleeding from the back of his eyes, basically going blind, but he got surgery to remove his eye lens and get new ones, fresh outta the box, two thumbs up. [:
Im probly gunna go visit him tomorrow.
Tuesday my friends come over, yay! (:
Thats pretty much it, hah :D
There's not much to talk about, no new details.
My life can be a bit drab sometimes. [;

Updates

Well my fingers really hurt right now, haha.I decided to take up the guitar, once again. I figured that with all this spare time on my hands, I might as well do something constructive with it and learn a new way to relieve my stress and anger. Nothing beats getting a chord just fucking right after a day of trying. I think I'm doing pretty well, I just need someone to push me, and since there's nobody on my case about it, I just do it myself, haha. I've learned a few songs that are easy, and i even finished yankee doodle up. :] I feel like my fingertips are gunna fall off but i know this is just the beginning! :] I think that when I've got all the chords down, I can finally start writting my own songs, & I'm excited because now I can express myself in more ways than one. I don't know about singing haha, maybe i can get Aiden to sing :D I really want to take my guitar everywhere and never stop practicing haha but I'm worried it'll break! :( then where will I be?! D: So for now, my guitar moving around is limited. :] Soon Ill be better than that ho Brandin. >:P

Friday April 10 2010

I was really dreading today, haha. None of my friends were able to make time today; they were all bizaaaay. I'm pretty happy with my plugs. :] I want bigger ones already. -_- Right now I'm eating Cup O Noodles and drinking Squirt, yeah its late, I know it & I don't care. :] I got my guitar back so I'm gunna practice when I have free time, it brought back soo many memories of me & Brenda drooling over Roger in class freshman year. ;D So far, I have down Chasing Cars, PAT, & I'm working on About A Girl, I'm gunna play it for Jordanitis cause he's the only other Nirvana fan I know of hahaa. I tried looking for Bob Dylan ones but they're all too fucking hard for my small brain. :/ I had In N Out for the first time today, & it was heavenly, but the fries got too cold tooo fast. :[ I got home at about 8, I went straight to my guitar again hah. Then I saw AFV was on & bid my guitar farewell for an hour or two. I wasnt really into AFV today so I came back to the guitar, and have been working on it since. :] I hope it doesnt untune, I'll be heartbroken haha. AIDENS SICK! :( Its times like these that make me want a car, I really wanted to go see his goochy ass, but its late & I have no way to get there. Fortunately, Brandinitis untied his ship from the dock in time to go see Aiden & its just a minor ear infection, so huzzah. :] Theres pretty much nothing else to say aha, goodnight. :]]

Thursday April 29 2010

Today was so boring! I went to school, on my way there my mom called twice cause she received a letter saying I'm not graduating, yada yada. I didn't pay attention, I know Ms. Mora is full of shit, so I didn't care. Haha, I was shocked that this whore of a girl called my friend a hoodrat, haha, I like shitted my pants basically. :] I was just talking to a friend during 2nd about not going to prom, & some other girl I don't like started talking to me so I faked an interest in her love life. This guy was looking through my iPod and the whole time I heard him talk shit about the music I had & how he's heard better. FUCK YOU! >:[ God, some people, huh? Mmm, a friend of mine has been getting on my nerves lately. WAIT, ALL of my friends have been. There's no change in the daily routine we call life anymore. They all just go home right after school, so there's nothing to do but go home too. What angers me the most is that when a friend broke up with her boyfriend, she was about to slit my throat because I ditched her for Brandin, yet she can do that now that shes back with her boyfriend because heaven forbid the little man gets angry & throws a bitch fit? Eh, I sound a lot madder than I really am. I just get annoyed too easily nowadays, my limit for bullshit is lower than ever. I really can't wait to graduate. I have more fun with Jess & Jordan than with my friends haha. :] I want Marios soo bad, but I'm broke as fuck. :[ Saturday we're supposed to go to the movies, but I want to go see the movie "The Ocean" tomorrrow SO bad! I want an octopus, haha, & a seahorse. Well now I'm at home bored out of my mind, being yelled at by an angry litttle mexican lady. She won't shut up, will she? -_- I hate this feeling of depression I get. None of my friends have time for me when I need them anymore. They all have their own shit to get done whenever I'm in need of something to get my mind off things, & that just leaves me feeling shitty. Nothing to fucking do on a friday night just makes me not want to leave school. I want to stay there as long as I can so I won't end up going home as soon as I can. I seriously hate being home, its a hell for me. Til I graduate and have my car, I'm stuck here. When I do get a car, Idgaf if im alone, im off to the drive in or something. We'll see who has time for who.

Wednesday April 28 2010

Today was an alright day. School was alright, too. Nothing really weird or exciting happens anymore. 34 days left, 33 in like 2 hours :] I can't say I'm excited, I'm just anxious to leave Pioneer & start j.c already. I want my car. :[ I had a meeting today with the vice principal cause I got into an argument with the cafeteria lady & I'm banned from getting food. ;) oh wellzzz. I went to go eat with the nigguh Brandin at BK, I spent the last of my money there. :[ Then we went to the Angelos household haha and waited for Jordan to get there so we can go to the Baskin Robbins 31 cent ice cream sale haha. then we left after. I came home and attempted to dye my hair. fail, im guessing haha.

Don't you hate when you can't help but worry about a friend no matter how much they ask you not to? There's just this feeling that you want to be outside their room with a baseball bat attacking anyone with bad news or disappointment coming their way, but sooner or later we have to let go of that feeling because we end up living our lifes through them, which is clearly not good. When does the line between being there cross the line of being the only support they have? I for one love to carry someone else's weight because theres no greater feeling. I guess I'm just nurturing in that way. I can put my feelings aside for something bigger, & to me thats kinda commendable.

Tuesday April 27, 2010

Well this morning I woke up at 6. My alarm is Misty Mountain Hop, haha. I decided to just get up and throw anything on today. I just re applied my make up and walked out the door. I realized that I hadn't eaten anything at all yesterday except at like 1, I just don't feel like eating. When I do eat, its forced cause I don't want my friends to worry. :/ Schools boring now, I hate that I have nothing to do, nobody to talk to or see, its really depressing. I like to be alone, don't get me wrong, but if I'm alone when I don't want to be, I just break down & cry. A lot of things have been happening that make me wonder how good of a person I am. Now more than I ever I'm starting to question my own value. I know its wrong, yada yada, but there's nobody to prove me different. Mr. Usigi called me maple syrup today cause once I ate oatmeal for breakfast & it smelled like I bathed in it syrup, HA! Fourth was alright, nothing big. After class, I left straight to my house so I could get cream developer because a friend was going to bleach my hair. Thats right, my hair is back to light now, y'all. I would've filled this blog with happy faces by now but I'm really not in the mood. I'm happy, but I just feel emotionally drained. My mood isn't very stable, I come off as bitchy or sad, but I'm just going through a lot, I'm hurt. Depending on the song I'm playing, I'll be happy, or I'll be sad. Well, not happy exactly, but I'll be, hanging in there, you know? I just heard the song "I Will" by The Beatles, & that song is just exactly what I feel towards someone right now, I started to cry because it feels as if I wrote it myself, its amazing, I'm crying again out of just love for this fucking song. It expresses more than anything I've even thought of saying to this person. I'm thankful for this song. <3 I definitely recommend it to anyone who has a heart. I went to my friends house, we did the bottom of my hair, & now I'm waiting for my mom to get home with another packet of bleach for the top half. I ate Taco Bell, but it feels like I had to force eat it cause I feel like vomiting it. :( Everyone's been telling me that I've been losing weight, haha, so I guess I shouldn't be eating at all anymore so I can keep it off. :O Well for now, that's all. Oh, my legs are killing me; I walked to Pico & back to Whittier within an hour & a half. :/


I just couldn't bear to hear those words that were spoken on the phone. Those 5 little words really did strike me through the heart, more than I thought. It just makes me think about the whole thing again, and it makes me sad. In the end I have to remember about what the outcome will be. I've never confessed anything that I've lied about to anyone, today was the first time. I couldn't stop myself from shaking, it was really scary because it sort of turned into a twitch. The stupid things we do sometimes.

Monday April 26 2010

Today was alright, I went to school early to meet up with Mallory so we can talk. She gave me pretty good advice, but nothing I haven't heard before & nothing I know won't happen already. I went on a field trip to UCLA & Benihanas. I didn't eat this morning because I just couldn't bring myself to. (you've read my blog -_-) I felt like a dumbass the whole hour and a half trip there because everyone saw me crying. I smeared my makeup too. ]: Anyways, I didn't really talk much, I just played music really loud so I can just drown out my own thoughts. My ears were practically bleeding by the time we got there, hah. I was alright when we got there, talking to Sal distracted me bunches. Then we saw that we had to climb over a hill, yes, a hill. I almost died, hah. Tig & I couldn't stop complaining about how hungry we were. I was ready to pounce on Benihanas, even if I'd never had it before. :] Like at around 12, we got on the bus again to LA (Benihanas). On the way there, I started crying again because I just got text messages that didn't please me. What can I say, I break down too fucking much. The thing with me is that I lose sight of things easily. When it comes to other things non emotionally related, I put others above myself. When it comes to emotions, I think of myself & its just ... hard to deal with it. In my situation, its a bad habit to have, too. By the time I left Benihanas I had a pretty clear mindset. I know what I have to do & until some people see what they need, I have to focus on myself. I only have 6 weeks of high school left & the thing I should be less focused on is what I'm concerned about. No more of that. I know in my heart what's going to happen, its almost safe to say I don't expect anything less than that. For now, I'll just live my life day by day; no worries, no tears. I'm only 17 & I carry the weight of too many people. After Benihanas, we came back to school, at like 3, hah. Then I saw Jasmine, she was going to Music Rev & I was going to Susies & Fashion Q, so we just went together. We spent the whole time just catching up on shit since we don't talk as often. Then Jessica texted me to go over, so I did, & I saw Aiden. :D At like 7 I had to go home cause my mom started calling me. I was on my way to Walmart, though so that trip was cancelled. It was so fresh out, too :[ So tomorrow I'm gunna make a transformation. (well I hope this time, my change actually works, hah ^-^) That's pretty much my whole day, I'm just laying on my bed with my computer, playing Pink Floyd. Until tomorrow, I fare thee well. :]