A Month & A Day

I recently found out that I'm pregnant.
I can't say I wasn't shocked, because its big news, but now that I've had the chance to process what's going to happen, I'm a lot more calm and I'm even happy. The one thing I was scared about was telling my mom about it, but I finally got it out of the way. She was mad at first but now she's supporting me in the way I didn't expect her to. She's making me get married, first off, and she came up with an excuse to tell my family members so I can live incognito and then come out and say I'm pregnant. I can't say I approve of her lying about it but I can't do anything that's against her will because her support will be gone completely and Brandin and I need as much as we can get at the moment. I'm not sure how things are going to turn out but everything's going to work out, I know it will. :]

Much Needed Update -

It's been quite the while since I last blogged, so I decided to make a post updating what has happened in my life.
As you can tell, I haven't been on top of my shit when it comes to photography, but I'll get there again.
I don't think that I'm addicted to cigarettes but every person in my life thinks I'm a very heavy smoker and of course, addicted.
I hate that word but when you have five a day, you kind of have to just give in to the title.
I feel like this summer is going to bring a lot of change because I've already began to show my claws.
People will no longer step all over me like they have for the past eighteen years of my life, that's over with.
I talk back to people who talk down to me, I confront, I yell, I ignore, I let lose, which I've never in my life done before.
It feels good, and I can tell that I'm scaring people away by doing this but I don't care because this is for me, it's good for me, it's what I need.

Back To The Origin

http://www.myinterestingfiles.com/2007/05/unforgettable-photos.html

That link is what started it all for me.
It has nothing but photos from back then when there was hate, much more than there is in the world now. Photography tells a story using no text at all. It speaks to your heart more than anything can, more than music, poetry, books, more than words themselves. Back then, it was honest. It told the truth about any event that occurred. It broke some hearts to see the hate that was alive and well back then, but it has helped some people to see how cruel the world is and see global issues second hand. Photography has always been there to tell a story, there's no doubt about it, but with technology advancing as it is nowadays, can we really trust the pictures that are taken and displayed in the media? Photos are altered all the time, whether its to make a celebrity more attractive, less attractive, or even worse, to make a photograph look "better". Lets take nature for example, why would you want to alter a photo of nature? Its beauty speaks for itself. I honestly think that many people should re-evaluate what photography is because to me, it's losing its value day by day. What was once used to take a picture of soldiers on the ground or concentration camps is now used to take a picture of a celebrity when they have an errand to run. Times are certainly changing.

Tattoo Plans

I've decided to get a rose on my shoulder above my Led Zeppelin symbols, I have to wait til February when I get my Fafsa to get them done, though! It's true what people say; tattoos are very addicting, it's best to get them when you're on the verge of being broke. I think that when I get a job, I'm going to get the owl on my blog tattooed on me, it's breed is a Lesser Sooty Owl. I'm thinking of adding more detail to the owl I already have. I'm also considering a peacock feather on my foot, I originally wanted it on my forearm, but I'm not sure if I should get one that's very easily viewed so soon.

Ever since I saw the movie Inception, I've been having very strange dreams. Last night I dreamt that I had four little ferrets! Then I was in a dance group that was going to do a choreographed routine to the game Super Metroid, but with Crystal Castles music playing, which was weird.

Jess.

Positive Thinking All Around

Update; My friend Brandin is saying 'hasta la vista' to California for five months. He's moving to Arizona for luthiery school and I couldn't be happier for him. :) I'm gunna miss him but I know I'll get used to his absence; He won't be gone long. This break will really give me some time to grow more independent, so I'm all for it. In other news, I keep brainstorming good ideas for photos I want to take. I know that I won't remember them, so I write them down on Notepad. I can honestly say that I'm much more better at coming up with concepts that I am with taking the actual picture, haha. I need another pair of hands sometimes, but with my tripod, I can make it work. School is only a few weeks away, so I can begin to have a reason to get up every morning now! Today I made it official; my next tattoo (after I finish my Led Zeppelin tattoo, of course) will be a rose on my shoulder. I wanted to draw it out tonight, but I can't seem to find my sketch book, so there goes that for tonight! I can't say today was a waste, though. I re-downloaded all the music that wasn't playable on my iTunes account, so now I have all my inspiration back. :] I think I'm going to start taking advantage of my bus pass when school starts & find routes to go somewhere nice, either a park or some sort of secluded place so I can relax with a book, my sketchbook and camera.

Jess.

Project Rules:

Rule Number One: Be creative.

This list is not specific for the sole purpose that your creativity can kick in.

This isn't the only ones I have, but so far, this is what I came up with. :]

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1. Something you never want to lose sight of.

2. Represent a disability from the five sense.

3. Display One of the seven deadly sins

4. Something that isn't possible.

5. Represent an addiction.

6. Represent your idea of societies downfall.

7. Show the future.

8. Something offensive.

9. Something broken.

10. Song lyrics held close to your heart.

11. Something you need.

12. Speak for the deaf.

13. What ruins beauty?

14. An old saying.

15. Your muse/source of inspiration.

16. Something you can make.

17. Something with no end.

18. If the truth about every bad thing you've done came out, what would you say?

My Own 365 Project:

I hope to stick to this because it sounds really interesting.
There's this "project" going around where you basically post a picture of whatever the project instructs you to. For example, "day one, picture of you & your best friend." I have decided to do my own version of it, & it might not turn out to be one picture a day, but if I start to slip then I will definitely change the rules myself & take a picture every week. This isn't just for me, anyone can do it to, isn't it fun? :) I'm making notes on Notepad so I can think about what kind of pictures to take, & when my list looks good, I'll post it on here. :)

Murphy Park

Below are some photos I took at Murphy Park, these are my favorites out of the set. :]

Amazing Sky

Amazing Sky, originally uploaded by Vintage Lives On.

Christmas 2010

Today was so eventful.
Lets go back few days;
It was about 6 pm on a rainy day. I began to think about things that have changed in my life. First thought; friendship. I began to cry like a baby. I have only three high school friends left, & it hasn't been a year since I graduated. I seem very put together & like nothing bothers me, but there's another side to me; one that never stops thinking. I feel like a very different person. I don't feel comfortable in society, whether I'm alone or surrounded by people. I feel like being alone is perfection, I never wanted to talk about this before because I don't want people to see me differently. There's more to me feeling this way but I'm not ready to go into detail.

I wrote this piece: The more she heard it, the more it encouraged her, inspired her. Freedom, actual freedom; it seemed so impossible for a girl her age, but the more she considered it, the more realistic the dream became. Nobody to worry about, nobody to argue with, nobody to have to rely on, nobody. To some, the idea might seem antisocial, but to her, it was perfection. All of her friends were piecing away, slowly but goddamn surely. Was it her attitude? Personality? After knowing every single friend for more than a year, she thought that by now, they had accepted her; she was obviously wrong. As the rain showered the city, she lit another cigarette & went into deep thought. After about a minute of having a completely empty mind, she realized that she just wasn't meant to be around people at all. She was meant to be one with nature. She wasn't made for technology, for socializing, for having responsibilities, she was made for solitude. She dreamt so much, even in the daytime of leaving the city. Whether it was for a short while or permanent. She wanted to leave all her insignificant things behind, spend every last penny on sketchbooks and pencils, and never look back. There was nothing left stopping her. She had nobody to stick around for, nobody to answer to, and most importantly, nothing stopped her. She took a minute to think, and after giving it as much thought as she could, she said to herself, "nature, peace, relaxation, independence, new experiences, wild animals..." the list was bottomless. She gave another minute to think about all the negatives, and she didn't come up with anything. What really stopped her from leaving? What was keeping her there all this time? She decided, this would be her last week in the city. She closed her eyes, and like a dream, her vision came together. Her ears were filled with songs of wild birds, and the gushing waterfalls. The air smelled so fresh, it was so realistic, the sun was shining so brightly, it was unbearable. That was it. That was her perfection. As far as the eye could see, nothing but hills, grassy mountains, trees towering over bright, colorful flowers.

I sent a message to the band that inspired this, & I told them about events that have happened in my life to encourage my thoughts, & I told them that their music has made me look at the positive side of everything. I even created a new Myspace account just so I could message them. I didn't expect a response, but a few days later, there was the request. My heart sank, I couldn't believe it. I talked to the singer Karla & I couldn't catch my breath, it was amazing. She told me that my message moved her & that she appreciated it & it encouraged her. My life is complete, I can die peacefully now.

Ramble On

Some people are really ignorant. Its gotten to the point that I don't want to deal with them. It's nothing but negative vibes from them making it harder for me to control my anger. I want whats best for me & that's to stay away from people who anger me so much & so constantly. Now the rest is up to me, in a way. There's so much ignorance in the world that its pointless to even try to show them my point of view on things. Some people think that they're much better than others for insignificant reasons that don't even matter; they're microscopic. Nobody should have to deal with people who're full of themselves, that's just a big headache, building up to make your head blow up. I'm starting to not want to deal with anyone or anything because I just don't want the drama. So if people consider me to be living in a turtle shell, its because I'm sick of the same bullshit issues that come up over & over again. I feel like I can't voice my opinions because it'll end friendships. Some friendships, I can honestly say, I treasure more than others.

Possibilities

Today my ex started talking to an old friend of his (who so happens to be a girl, haha) & at first I didn't know what to feel, I started getting anxious cause right away I started to think, "fuck, I wont have any more plans". But then I calmed down & thought positively for a second. We spend all the time in the world together, but maybe it's time we both just looked for other people. I don't give the thought of us being back together a chance anymore because of personal reasons, but I think it's time we both found other people. I'm in no rush at all, I've got all the time in the world to meet someone, but he on the other hand, feels the need to have someone there with him. Although I don't understand it, I don't blame him. If he ends up with someone before I do, it would give me so much time to do other things. Rekindle my friendships with other friends, go out & meet new faces, do something different, open my mind, spend more time with family, fuck, spend more time with myself. I can't say for sure that this girl is the one for him, only time will tell, but even if it isn't, I'll hang around til she's here for him. :) I really hope that this Spring I meet someone new, because even though I don't have any expectations for a certain person, I'm excited to just have someone new to discuss things with.

Revelations Are The Best

Today I spent the early hours of the day with my friend Brandin because we went to the sales at the mall. We were talking about his past relationship (before we were together) & I've been taking mental notes based off of both his past & the past he & I have had. I've learned to never be the doormat in the relationship, & if either I or the person I'm with become one, I have to cut it. That isn't right at all & it's definitely not healthy. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship in my personal eyes & I think that if I ever found one, I'd be very skeptical. Love isn't on the top of my list, & sure it'd be nice to have, but I have other things to work on myself. I have a future to plan out, school wise. I have situations to handle with friends. I have family issues, for sure. I welcome anyone who wants to sweep me off my feet, of course, but I'm not very interested in the concept of a relationship too much nowadays. I'm not up for the drama, the pain, the deception, the problems, the ... anything, to be honest. Sure, it's nice to be single, but then again, it's nice to have someone to ask how you are on a day to day basis. I refuse to see my future love interest on a daily basis. That just leads to me giving up whatever freedom I have to do anything. I don't want to mix him with my friends too soon, & I want to at least have a casual friendship for at least 3 months. These may seem like regulations to you but it's very reasonable to me. I'm putting myself out there by going out. I don't go to as many places as I can, of course, but as I said before, I'm in no rush. I'm young & I have nothing more than time on my hands. Its not even a matter of meeting someone with my same interests, it's a matter of connecting & hitting it off just right. I've met a guy with my exact same perspectives, hobbies, and music interests, but there was no attraction because my mind was just not looking for anyone. I'm not sure when that'll change, if any time soon or at all, but I know things are going to change & each day is just bringing me one day closer.

The "Adult" Life

Well it's been a few days since my birthday & I don't really feel much different. I can officially get a tattoo if I want & buy as many packs of cigarettes as I please, but not much else has changed. I spent my birthday at the Science Center & the Natural History Museum, it was really fun & extremely tiring. I saw a 36 foot long Oarfish, sharks, slugs, gross roaches, little insects, and BONES! The Woolly Mammoth was my favorite of all, I regret not having taken pictures. Then came the TAXIDERMY! They had barn owls, Northern Saw Whet Owls, Grey Gray Owls, Burrowing Owls, a Snow Owl, a Great Horned Owl & they had some baby ones, I'm not sure what they were. After that, Brandin & I went over to our friends house, saw a movie, & later that night went to the dollar theater to see Inception. I fell asleep because it was so late, but he seemed to enjoy it. I told all my family that I got the tattoo. My mom didn't have as bad a reaction as I imagined, she just wishes it wasn't so visible. I haven't shown the Zeppelin one though, I will when it's finished. My older sister rambled on about how I won't be professional, yada yada...whatever, it's not like I want a job like hers. In other news, a friend of mine & myself got floor seat tickets to see Crystal Castles March third in Pomona! If my family opens the tickets before I get to...there's going to be a bloodbath. I told them all not to touch anything that came in the mail for me in the next 2 weeks. I'm excited, this is my first concert! That's pretty much all for now :)


- Jess

Friday 19 November 2010

In one more hour, I turn eighteen, finally. I got my tattoos a little early because tomorrow is bound to be a full day. At first, today wasn't good at all, but shaking things off helped me a lot. I decided that I'm not going to let things get to me & make me cry, I'm just going to incorporate them into my book. I had to ask Brandin if it was okay if I used him in my book. I have class tomorrow but depending on how long Brandin stays, I'll stay too, we're going to the Science Center & I couldn't be more excited! After that, we're having a movie day at the Angelos, which I've been waiting for, for sooo long! I can't say I'm too excited to turn eighteen, but I'll get more liberty. I hope my mom isn't too disappointed in me when she sees the tattoos. In other news, I registered for my classes today, huzzah! Today was pretty full of chaos, too, but it was really fun & so worth it. OH, the tattoos didn't hurt too bad, nothing to cry over at all, I can't wait til I finish my Zoso tattoo, I'm actually thinking of adding a scroll to it.

Perfect Start To My Birthday

I've heard mean things before & I've learned to shrug them off like they don't affect me, but this one takes the cake. To hear something that bad from a person I care about really made me feel like shit because I feel so hopeless. How can I surround myself with people who apparently think negatively of me? I thought that there was a select few people I can trust who won't hurt me at all, but I guess I don't have that person anymore. A lot of things are already going wrong before my birthday, & I get no sympathy whatsoever. I was hoping today was a great day all the way through because of my tattoos later, but it just took a turn for the worst before I've even had breakfast. Why don't people just watch what they say & keep opinions to themselves? I understand that my anger gets the best of me sometimes but its discouraging to hear things like I did today, it really depresses me & the person doing it doesn't even realize it, because I'm being "too sensitive". I really don't know what to do. I feel as though I have nobody to rely on anymore & it really hurts. All I need is one good day.

Thursday 18 November 2010

Finally I get some alone time, after a busy filled week of getting about an hour to myself before AVGN. I'm laying in bed, listening to Zeppelin, with Rambo & just relaxing on the computer & I couldn't ask for anything better, except maybe a Green Tea. Today was pretty fun but very tiring. I got my first pack of cigarettes because I just couldn't wait two more days, being so impatient, haha. I smoked two & I felt horrible afterward because I had a cold soda, not a good combination. I was mad in the morning because I'm honestly tired of being passive aggressive. People give me their opinions about what to do about my personal affairs & I'm not digging it one goddamn bit. It don't phase me, I'm just gunna do what I want because that's what'll make me happy in the end, anyway. My birthday is just around the corner, & I can't say I'm excited. I'm going to the Science Center & the Natural History Museum, too, it should be really fun! I get my tattoos tomorrow, & I'm so excited for them, I really want to tape it in case I cry, haha. I feel bad showing them to my mom because I know she'll be disappointed, but I gave her a warning. For such a long day, I'm going to cut it short, I really want to read my Nylon magazine.

Get Over Youself

I get that insecurity is an ugly thing, especially when there's a lot of distance between you & the person you love, but to be completely honest, there's such a way to handle certain situations in a humble way. First off, you need to know who you're dealing with. Secondly, don't assume shit that you don't know, don't go based off things you've heard or what you think. Thirdly, don't try to make yourself look better by making things up to tear people away from each other. FOURTHLY, handle your problems with someone with the person you're having an issue with. I'm glad that you're smart enough to make up a good plan to end like what, 4 friendships, but I"m even happier that it came back & bit you in the ass. I'm sure you're "great" person, so have fun having about ... one person waiting for you with a smile back in California. You're old enough to know what you're doing, which sucks for you cause you threw your closest friends under the bus & left them there with no help. When you should've been the one confronted, someone else was, & that's not fair. Hope karma is good to you.

Seriously ?.

I'm getting tired of people meddling in my business. I get that people want to be "updated" in my life, but to be honest, too many people are interested, if you catch my drift. First, I got this girl thinking I want her EX, which even if I DID, its none of her business to care, its MY shit, not hers. Completely unrelated. Second, if my best interest isn't at heart, why ask what I'm going to do about a guy flirting with me? What does it affect anyone's life at all? Its MY business, its my choice, my decision, end of fucking story.

Wednesday 17 November 2010

It's getting close to my birthday now, but I still don't feel any older whatsoever. I'm just going to do whatever I did before legally, haha. Today was a really good day given that a few friends of mine & I had some major drama. Its too long to tell it all, but just know it was bad. There were indeed tears :| The extent people go to to do bad things these days. Back to today, I went to school, & actually found Brandin's lost phone, miraculously haha. Then we got food & afterwards went to visit Jessica, Jordan & Aiden, then went to go get Jess' turkey, she's probly groping it right now, haha! OH, I decided to write a book. I've been meaning to write a book but never got the right topic to write about. As conceited as it may sound, I'm writing it on myself; about my thoughts, beliefs, past, hopeful future, and things like that. It'll be in third person, & the time will basically be now, my age & hopefully when I'm older, it'll remind me who I was back when I was "naive", so to speak, haha. More details when I develop more thoughts on it :]